Six of the earth’s mightiest superheroes roam your comm center. Today, for the first time anywhere, their names and astonishing abilities shall be revealed to all! As you’ll see, you are currently among them (or soon will be), cape optional (though a cape is ALWAYS a good look).
I’m not trying to make a bold statement about how unique and special you are – though those things ARE true. I’m talking about actual, usable superpowers you’ve been imbued with because of the job path you have chosen. Think of being hired to work in your 911 career as your Peter Parker moment when bitten by a radioactive spider (if you don’t dig the Marvel movies or don’t read comic books, just hang with me here).
Here’s the rub: you are likely already at least one of the six superheroes. You may actually be parts of several. And, if you haven’t realized your powers yet, hang on — they’re coming.
These powers, while extraordinary, are unfortunately lousy for fighting crime.
They are nonetheless awe-inspiring.
A final note of caution before the big reveal: you might want to keep these mighty powers under wraps for the safety of your loved ones and opt for a people-friendly alias during your “civilian time “– think Clark Kent.
And so, for the first time ever, their secrets spilled forth for all to see, I reveal to you the 6 avenging heroes who roam your center. They are . . .
The Dispatch Avengers
Super Diner: Super Diner is noted for superior food consumption skills in extraordinarily limited time. An entire 4-course Thanksgiving meal, complete with dinner rolls and a generous slice of pie, can be devoured by Super Diner in less than seven minutes. Super Diner is further able to provide a full-throated ‘yes’ to seconds (plus coffee!) within a 20-30-minute timeframe. It is not presently known how or if Super Diner actually breathes oxygen while indulging, potentially adding a peripheral power to an already impressive list.
The Earshot Avenger: When the Earshot Avenger is attending an event or is in a room which features clustered groups of people spaced throughout, no conversation shall go unheard. This ability is automatic and does not require effort to engage. The Earshot Avenger can also detect outside conversations while holding detailed tête-à-têtes within their own group. Note that the size of the room does not affect the ability to hear, understand and share the details of these overheard conversations, often to the stunned disbelief of members of their own party.
The Seventh Senser: The Seventh Senser is able to determine a caller’s mental state, degree of sobriety, overall seriousness, approximate age, and general political leanings within 5 seconds of answering the call, to a 99.99999999% degree of accuracy.
The Octi-Tasker: The Octi-Tasker is able to conduct at least eight fully engaged operations at one time, all done error-free and with thorough comprehension of each task. An example of Octi-Tasker fully deployed: Dispatching an officer while talking on the phone while perusing a magazine while knitting while holding a side conversation while watching TV while doodling vaguely inappropriate sketches on a notepad while silently judging a coworker. Each will be performed and accomplished with precision and full recall for up to 27 hours afterward.
Badder Bladder: While Badder Bladder’s ability to “hold a pee” falls somewhat short of a camel’s noted ability to store up to 30 gallons of water in one hump, they are renowned for the ability to nearly complete a shift while shot-gunning sodas to the point of abdominal distention visually approximating 25 weeks of pregnancy.
Captain Iceberg: Captain Iceberg maintains a yearly body temperature of 71 degrees Fahrenheit, requiring the use of a space heater at all times, including the muggiest segments of July and August. Captain Iceberg is believed to have actual toe sensation for only 3-4 days of a 365-day calendar year. Any hand-to-hand contact with Captain Iceberg is also certain to pass on the immediate need for exterior heating to even those openly exclaiming, “Dude, it is literally as hot as the surface of the sun in here!”
In an industry that already sets itself apart because of its extraordinary people, let it now be known that ‘extraordinary’ only begins to convey the true nature of the great powers that are present in our comm centers.
Remember: With great power comes great responsibility.
Now . . . Dispatch Avengers Assemble!
About Kris Inman:
Kris Inman is the Director of Program Development for The Healthy Dispatcher. A 29-year veteran of 9-1-1, Kris retired in July 2023 as Director of Springfield Greene County 9-1-1 in Springfield, MO. An awarded speaker and instructor, Kris has delivered standout educational sessions, keynotes, motivational talks and yoga instruction to dispatchers across the country. He is also a long-time college adjunct instructor, teaching courses in communication and public safety leadership. Kris holds a Master of Arts in Communication and a Bachelor of Science in Electronic Media from Missouri State University. He is also a registered yoga instructor.